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Area student really passionate about latest tech media buzzword*

London, United Kingdom— Emphatically stating how Blockchain technology is going to disrupt the way we buy cereal, 3rd year Economics student James Wilson can’t contain his excitement for how the latest tech media buzzword is going to radically transform the world. “I haven’t been this excited since I first learned about the Internet of People” Wilson said, “Can you imagine how cool that will be?”

“I did my best” Martin O’Malley sobs to himself in the shower

Des Moines, Iowa— After receiving just .6% of the vote in the Iowa Caucus, former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley reportedly gave himself a pep talk amidst sobs during his post-result shower. “I’m still young. I have time” O’Malley comforted himself, “I mean, Obama was elected when he was 47, but that’s okay! That’s just fine.”

Area Cat pisses on freshly washed sheets to remind owner who’s really in charge

San Jose, CA— Asserting his dominance over his subservient owner, 5 year old cat Tom pissed on owner Jeff’s freshly washed sheets to remind him who’s really in charge. “I felt like Jeff was getting too big for his boots” said Tom, “It was a harsh, but ultimately fair decision.”

Area Lecturer overstates difficulty of content

Coventry, United Kingdom— Warning students that failing to understand what was covered last week will lead them to fail their degrees, 54 year old Law professor George Jenkins consistently overstates the difficulty of the content of his lectures. “That was the easiest iteration of the concept” said Jenkins, “So if you found that difficult, you’re really, really fucked.”

Carson hurt by Cruz’ joke about him being a bad surgeon

Des Moines, Iowa— During last night’s GOP debate, Ted Cruz imitated Donald Trump by calling all of the GOP candidates stupid, fat, and ugly and Carson a terrible surgeon, which really hurt Carson’s feelings. “I don’t like it when Cruz pretends to bully me. I can’t tell if people are laughing at Trump or me” Carson told reporters, “It hurts more. I miss Trump.”

5 club nights you could easily give a miss but probably won’t because of peer pressure*

Hey you, uni student. Yeah, you. Are you cool? Do you club? Are you cool? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you probably club. Lucky for you, our experts have put together the definitive list of the 5 club nights you could easily give a miss but probably won’t because of peer pressure. Down that drink and let’s get going already, the cab is waiting.

Area Man not looking for a career right now, just job with benefits

San Francisco, CA— Terminating his 5 year career as a management consultant at Deloitte last week, 28 year old Marcus Smith is reportedly not looking for a career right now, just a job with benefits. “It was a tough decision to leave. I really saw a future together with that career” Smith told reporters, “But for the time being, I’m really just looking for a job with benefits, at least until I figure things out.”

Group member finds getting full credit for assignment he contributed nothing to unfair

Coventry, United Kingdom— Having not read a single word of the assignment, 19 year old group member Tom Wesley feels that getting full credit for the Econometrics assignment he contributed nothing to is unfair. “Honestly, I probably contributed less than nothing because of all my interjections” Wesley told reporters, “It may have seemed like I was trying to understand the assignment, but I was really just looking for people to laugh at my jokes.”

California weatherman completely out of his depth at new job in the UK

London, United Kingdom— Having crossed the Atlantic Ocean in a recent monumental career move, 34 year old ex-California weatherman Jimmy Melville is starting to realise that he is completely out of his depth reporting on the UK weather. “In California, there are two seasons: won’t rain and might rain” Melville told reporters, “In the UK, you can have a light showers, beautiful sunshine, and hellfire within 15 minutes of each other. How am I expected to accurately predict that?”

Report: 87% of seminar tutors incredibly lonely

Coventry, United Kingdom— A recent Gallup Poll has depressing results for those looking to pursue a PhD in a subject they love: roughly 87% of seminar tutors are cripplingly lonely, largely due to lack of student participation. “I mean, at least say that you don’t understand. I’m here to teach you!” said Lawrence Waite, a Computer Science PhD candidate “Talk to me! God. I’m so alone.”

Sorry, what? Haha oh. Wait, what? Sorry, I can’t hear you*

Crowded, public place— Haha yeah, definitely. Well, I guess that’s just the way it is, you know? I mean, there’s not that much you can do about it, but it sounds like you’re doing your best. Yeah haha that’s all you can hope for. Sorry, what? Haha oh. Yeah.

6 daily habits to live a productive, post-apocalyptic life

Each new year comes with a new set of goals and expectations, and this year, expect for life as we know it to end. The apocalypse will be upon us soon. Thankfully, our team of experts has put together a comprehensive list to help you live a productive, post-apocalyptic life. Let’s get started!

BREAKING: ISIS bricking it over USA Freedom Girls’ performance

Raqqa, Syria— Like many Americans who first viewed Trump’s campaign as a practical joke, ISIS declared this morning that they are absolutely shitting themselves after the release of The Official Donald Trump Jam, performed by the so-called USA Freedom Girls. “We thought he was joking when he said he admired North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un” a senior ISIS official told reporters “But holy shit, we think that bastard might be serious.”

Clowns concerned right to water-squirt flowers under attack by new executive order

Dallas, TX— Holding up balloon animal donkeys and popping them with a pin, clowns across the country are worried that their right to water-squirt flowers are being threatened by the Obama administration’s new executive order. “The main founding principle of this country is the right to the pursuit of life, liberty, and unexpected silliness” Herbert the Clown told reporters “and the recent executive order by this silliness hating President is undermining our way of life.”

Mime concerned there’s bad stuff going on in this country and no one’s talking about it

Los Angeles, CA— Wiping fake tears from his eyes and holding his index finger up to his lips, 35 year old mime Jacques Benoit is concerned that there’s some seriously bad stuff going on in this country and people aren’t talking about it. Benoit told reporters that the current political climate makes him feel trapped and silenced by pretending to be in a box and zipping his lips shut.iness hating President is undermining our way of life.”

Man realises mid rant that he’s overreacting, backtracks, and plays it cool*

London, United Kingdom— Suddenly aware of the disapproving looks on his friends’ faces, 32 year old Jazz enthusiast Michael Downing realised mid rant on the pop industry that he was completely overreacting, backtracked, and played it cool. “Justin Bieber’s new music is fucking trash” Downing began “And everyone who listens to it, is like, totally entitled to their own opinion, because musical tastes are a subjective thing, you know?”

“I love the rain!” says car owner from climate where it doesn’t rain*

Palo Alto, CA— A self-declared pluviophile, 26 year old Susie Thompson says she enjoys nothing more than the tranquil serenity of a rainy day from the comfort of her dry, heated car in a climate where it very rarely rains. “There’s just something so majestic and romantic about the rain,” says Thompson “Mostly because I don’t have to take public transportation or be outside at all to get to work, and it pretty much never rains where I live anyway.”

Area Man’s new year’s resolution to live everyday as if it’s his first

New York, NY—Waking up each morning covered in his own filth, 20 year-old Jonah Winger’s new year’s resolution is to live everyday as if it is his first. “At the start of each new year, I set out to simplify my life in one way or another” he told reporters. “This year, I’ve decided to live each day as if I have never lived any day of my life before.”

Inspirational tales of procrastinators who got incredible marks, well, given the circumstances, at least*

Everyone has a friend who seems to do shockingly well in school, I mean, considering the amount of effort they put in. We’ve put together a list of people who really pushed themselves to the limit—for a few hours. Get ready to be impressed!

"Absolute legend" forces struggling single father to clean puke out of cab*

Coventry, United Kingdom— Sources confirm that 2nd year Politics student and local legend Eddie Winchester went on a complete bender last Friday night, culminating in him throwing up in a taxi. “I’ve never been so wankered in my life,” Eddie says “One second I was dancing to Sorry by Justin Bieber after slamming 6 vodka redbulls at Smack, the next I had inconsiderately ruined the night and subsequent week for a single father of 2 struggling to make ends meet.”

5 networking tips necessary to make your distant father proud of you*

Networking can be intimidating at first. The hardest part is breaking the ice and introducing yourself to a graduate employer recruiter, beginning the process of earning your father’s adoration. To make it easier, we’ve compiled a list of tips to make that lasting first impression.

*I think this one is good