*I've been wanting to get into satire for a while but hadn't found the time to put my thoughts to paper. Here's my first attempt.
Networking can be intimidating at first. The hardest part is breaking the ice and introducing yourself to a graduate employer recruiter, beginning the process of earning your father’s adoration. To make it easier, we’ve compiled a list of tips to make that lasting first impression:
Show the representative your teeth. Don’t tell them about the work you put into maintaining their gleaming glory— flossing and brushing twice a day and swilling with mouthwash before bed— let your teeth do the talking for you. A clean smile signals that you’re capable of planning for the future. Also, your dad paid for those teeth to get straightened, so you better believe that when you finally tell him you landed that dream job that you can attribute it to his investment in your teeth. He’ll love that. And maybe then love you.
2. Firm handshake
Grab their hand firmly while maintaining eye contact. But not too firmly. A handshake too firm is uncomfortable and will make the recruiter recoil. This will drastically reduce the chances of you ever having a firm embrace with the man you missed throughout your entire childhood.
3. Ask them questions about their life
Let’s face it: people like to talk about themselves. A graduate employer recruiter was once a student like you, unsure about their future career. Hell, they probably still aren’t sure about their career, but they’re stuck in it now. Ask them about their life as a student, when things were much simpler. Ask them about their first serious relationship. Ask them about their relationship with their father. Have a serious heart to heart with the person who holds the key to your father’s love.
4. Scream “WHY DIDN’T YOU LOVE ME ENOUGH TO COME TO MY CRICKET MATCHES?!” repeatedly
This signals to potential employers that you have an elephant’s memory and a critical mind. It also lets them know what you value: affection from a man who did not want to have a relationship with you, because you were not good enough. Explain to the campus recruiter that you aren’t good enough at cricket to do it professionally and that your father doesn’t value it, so that whatever graduate scheme they have available is probably a better fit.
If all else fails, get down on your knees and beg. Tell them you’re willing to stay at the office until 2am, bring coffee to whoever asks, and forego any shred of individuality and character to fit the corporate mould. Tell them that you’ll even do the work for free— so long as you can tell your estranged father that you’re doing something “important” with your life. Jokingly ask them if they’ll be your dad instead, but secretly mean it.
We hope this list helps you gain the affection of the man who accidentally had you and has regretted it for the rest of his life. A man who would rather not speak to you because it would involve admitting fault of his own. Good luck!