← Satire

Clowns concerned right to water-squirt flowers under attack by new executive order

Dallas, TX— Holding up balloon animal donkeys and popping them with a pin, clowns across the country are worried that their right to water-squirt flowers are being threatened by the Obama administration’s new executive order. “The main founding principle of this country is the right to the pursuit of life, liberty, and unexpected silliness” Herbert the Clown told reporters “and the recent executive order by this silliness hating President is undermining our way of life.”

Wearing full sad clown make up in his recent speech on the water-squirt flower debate, President Obama says that we’re the only developed country in the world that hasn’t banned water-squirt flowers. “I’ve met with the families of the victims who’ve been reduced to embarrassment and awkward laughter” Obama said “We’re no longer safe. Not even in our schools, churches, or at our children’s birthday parties.”

A main argument of the clowns is that if the Obama administration takes away their right to water-squirt flowers, the government will have absolute control over all silliness in the nation. “It’s exactly how Hitler rose to power” Dr. Clown Carson said.

The Obama administration released a statement clarifying that they’re not trying to take water-squirt flowers away, but rather increase background checks and reduce the ease of buying water-squirt flowers online. “We’re just trying to prevent future attacks of mass silliness, and make America a safer place for everyone, clown and all” they added.

Arguing that more water-squirt flowers actually makes people safer, Goober the Clown thinks that “If they take away our water-squirt flowers, people will resort to pieing each other in the face, like they do in other countries where water-squirt flowers have been banned” Goober said “It will make us unsafer in the long run and silliness will still occur.”

A non-clown and someone who doesn’t own a water-squirt flower himself, James Howard told reporters that “If someone breaks into my home, I have the right to protect my family by squirting the intruder in the face and reducing the tension of the situation through silliness.” He added, “If you don’t think people should have water-squirt flowers, you should probably just move to a less fun country.”

150 clowns were recently spotted in Oregon occupying a Federal wildlife preserve, water-squirt flowers in hand. “The Federal government’s actions are unconstitutional, and if they take away our water-squirt flowers, we’ll have no defense against them left” one clown told reporters, adding “If they want our water-squirt flowers, they’ll have to pry them from our oversized glove hands.”