← Satire

Area Cat pisses on freshly washed sheets to remind owner who’s really in charge

San Jose, CA— Asserting his dominance over his subservient owner, 5 year old cat Tom pissed on owner Jeff’s freshly washed sheets to remind him who’s really in charge. “I felt like Jeff was getting too big for his boots” said Tom, “It was a harsh, but ultimately fair decision.”

Noting that this isn’t the first time he’s had to resort to such drastic measures, Tom told reporters that recent behaviour by Jeff warranted this course of action. “He had stopped petting me whenever I asked, and sometimes made me wait 10 minutes longer than usual for dinner” Tom told reporters, “Unacceptable. I just couldn’t let that behaviour continue.”

Sources confirm that Tom met up with his pals Callie, Peanut, and Bongo to run the decision by them before going through with it. “We all acknowledged how hurtful it would be to to pee on Jeff’s freshly washed sheets, especially since he had a date planned for that night” Bongo told reporters, “But when we found out Jeff had moved Tom off of Jeff’s laptop into his kitty bed 3 times last week, we agreed it was the right call.” Peanut told reporters that he was stunned and outraged that Jeff would do such a thing, and questioned whether Jeff realised how warm and snuggly a laptop is to a little kitty. “I get a hairball just thinking about it” Callie said.

As he googled local animal shelters, Jeff told reporters that he thought Tom and he were on the same page. “He be a cute snuggly kitty, and I house, feed, and occasionally clothe him” Jeff said, “I can’t believe he’d do this. All cats are the same.” At press time, Jeff was observed placing a cucumber next to Tom and recording his reaction to post on YouTube.