New York, NY—Waking up each morning covered in his own filth, 20 year-old Jonah Winger’s new year’s resolution is to live everyday as if it is his first. “At the start of each new year, I set out to simplify my life in one way or another” he told reporters. “This year, I’ve decided to live each day as if I have never lived any day of my life before.”
Helping him jumpstart his new lifestyle, Winger’s mother Theresa drags Winger out of bed in the morning by his feet. He then sits on the couch and does absolutely nothing to help himself or those around him. Sources claim that even the simplest things, like a video of a cat falling off of a table, now bring him intense joy. Though he has every whim catered to, his response to being asked to do a simple chore like clean the bathroom is to burst into tears.
“I wouldn’t have been able to make this change in mindset without the help of my family,” Winger told reporters “I just feel like life is too short to have any semblance of responsibility. I wish everyone could feel as liberated as I now feel.”
Sources claim that Mrs. Winger is planning on kicking her son out at the start of next week. At press time, Winger was seen making a strained expression and then proceeded to crap his pants.