← Satire

“I did my best” Martin O’Malley sobs to himself in the shower

Des Moines, Iowa— After receiving just .6% of the vote in the Iowa Caucus, former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley reportedly gave himself a pep talk amidst sobs during his post-result shower. “I’m still young. I have time” O’Malley comforted himself, “I mean, Obama was elected when he was 47, but that’s okay! That’s just fine.”

Admitting that he wouldn’t be so devastated if he hadn’t kept his expectations so high, O’Malley feels he’s been delusional over the past few months. “I mean, should I be surprised?” O’Malley said to himself amidst tears, “One guy showed up to my rally in Iowa. One!”

Sources confirm hearing O’Malley justify his failure of a presidential run by reminding himself of previous successful campaigns. “You know, this is just a roadblock in my career” O’Malley said, wiping his eyes, “I was a great mayor and better governor.” At press time, the temperature in O’Malley’s shower reportedly spiked, scalding him while he already “felt the Bern.”