Each new year comes with a new set of goals and expectations, and this year, expect for life as we know it to end. The apocalypse will be upon us soon. Thankfully, our team of experts has put together a comprehensive list to help you live a productive, post-apocalyptic life. Let’s get started!
1. Read
Reading every day is one of the most important ways to live a fulfilling life and to help you survive. Each new book you read will only ever give you a deeper understanding of how things work. This is critical because the onus is on you to bring society back when this hellstorm passes. Plus, reading is fun!
2. Exercise
It’s not only important to nourish the mind, but the body also. Exercise does both! A daily jog away from the horrifying demon spawn occupying the neighbourhood you grew up in, the neighbourhood where you first experienced love, will make you feel simultaneously alive and fear for your life. If you don’t keep this one up, you definitely won’t last very long!
3. Burn the corpses
Look, we get it. It’s hard to motivate yourself to clean up— after all, if you don’t mind the mess, why should you care if anyone else does? But remember! You have to clean up the dead bodies piling up outside your house or it will just attract more otherworldly beings to your house who want to torture you and your family for eternity. It’s just good for your peace of mind.
4. Weapon inventory check
Before bed, make sure all of your weapons are accounted for— the last thing you want is a weapon to get in the wrong hands and for your co-survivors to turn on each other. 9/10 survival experts recommend creating a pneumonic to help you remember what weapons you have, i.e. MARTYS— Mace, Assault Rifle, Trebuchet, Yard Stick, etc.
5. Mourn loved ones
It’s important to take time for yourself once in a while. What better way to do that than to remember all of the loved ones you’ve lost in the never-ending battle between this world and the underworld? Research shows that spending as little as 10 minutes in the shrine room dedicated to those you’ve lost increases your chance of survival by over 23%!
6. Sleep
Every other aspect of life may have changed after the apocalypse, but needing a good night’s sleep sure hasn’t! Make sure you’re getting at least 8 hours every night so you wake up the next morning feeling rested and prepared to fight for your life. If you have trouble sleeping, buy a pair of earplugs to drown out the incessant screams of everyone you’ve ever known being torn to shreds outside. Or just invest in a comfy duvet.
We hope you found this list helpful, and would like all of you still alive to please contact us if you’re out there, we haven’t heard from anyone in days, oh god, I think they’re outsi—