← Satire

BREAKING: ISIS bricking it over USA Freedom Girls’ performance

Raqqa, Syria— Like many Americans who first viewed Trump’s campaign as a practical joke, ISIS declared this morning that they are absolutely shitting themselves after the release of The Official Donald Trump Jam, performed by the so-called USA Freedom Girls. “We thought he was joking when he said he admired North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un” a senior ISIS official told reporters “But holy shit, we think that bastard might be serious.”

“Can you believe they’re actually saying stuff like that?” one ISIS militant commented on the song’s message that you can do anything in the name of Freedom and those that oppose it are cowards. Shaking uncontrollably, he added “I am absolutely terrified.”

Press reports drawing comparisons to the Hitler Youth and North Korean propaganda confirm the ISIS’ officials fears. “He’s dragging kids into his warped ideologies, for Allah’s sake!” a senior ISIS official said, “That’s something that we do, and we’re fucking ISIS!”

Noting that this isn’t just about the potential of an unstable man being the most powerful man in the world, the ISIS Secretary of Arts and Culture is concerned about how this propaganda is going to affect the music industry. “I mean, you call that a beat? Those lyrics? Who choreographed that garbage?” he frustratedly yelled.

In Raqqa, the ISIS press correspondent made an official statement, saying that the terrorist group is “So sorry for what we’ve done” later pleading, “Please, just make him stop. Make him stop.” At press time, President Vladimir Putin was seen watching the video on repeat while eating popcorn and falling out of his chair with laughter.