← Satire

California weatherman completely out of his depth at new job in the UK

London, United Kingdom— Having crossed the Atlantic Ocean in a recent monumental career move, 34 year old ex-California weatherman Jimmy Melville is starting to realise that he is completely out of his depth reporting on the UK weather. “In California, there are two seasons: won’t rain and might rain” Melville told reporters, “In the UK, you can have a light showers, beautiful sunshine, and hellfire within 15 minutes of each other. How am I expected to accurately predict that?”

Locals claim that the changeable weather makes day to day life a little more exciting, but Melville says it it’s makes him feel like he’ll never predict any weather pattern ever again. “I feel like a macroeconomist— I can’t predict shit!” an exasperated and easy-target-picking Melville said “It’s all well and good telling people it’s raining once it’s already started raining. They already know. Everyone knows! We all know!”

Other than reporting on the weather, Melville has found the linguistic gap particularly challenging. He told reporters that half the time he doesn’t even understand what people are saying. “Why do people keep asking if I’m alright? Do I not look alright?” a disheveled Melville told reporters “Of course I’m not alright. It rains every day I say it isn’t going to, alright?”

Suffering from imposter syndrome, Melville told reporters that he feels that “all his years spent in meteorology school were a complete waste” and that he “feels like a complete fraud.” At press time, Melville hedged his bets by predicting that it will probably rain every day for the next year, informing reporters that “If it doesn’t, people will be so happy it’s sunny they’ll forget I’m full of shit.”